Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Darkness, change and uncertainty

I had just finished watching movie just past midnight, and brought two glasses from the living room for wash. The house was in total darkness. I couldn't see a thing, and as I made my way to the kitchen, I made sure that I wouldn't knock against anything. I knew exactly where the walls were and where everything was. Even so, I couldn't help the feeling inside me that was so eager for the lights to come on. There was this uncertainty that I couldn't make out how it came about, but it's this feeling where you know where exactly all the things are, but you have a feeling that in the dark, it all changes. Like the things have moved.

I know it's a normal human condition to be scared of the dark, and I overcame this a long time ago; being a person who only sleeps a maximum of five hours a day, I often spend my nights in the dark awake. But every now and then, it catches onto me. When the lights are off, the world's foreign and everything seems like it can be changed. And I associate this sort of fear with people. I'm fearful of change. And I'm sure I'm not the only one. I don't think there is a single person in this world who will put their hand up eagerly for change. We all take on change differently. Some welcome change, some challenge change, some run away from change and some just go with change.

Me? I don't know what to make of change yet. Although I haven't had many huge momentous changes in my life, I've gone through enough changes to say that I'm not too fond of change. I've seen people change -- some change for the better, and some don't. Sometimes people leave me feeling a bit betrayed, because they had changed and I had no longer fitted in their life because of that.  I have had changes that changed my life, and probably for the better, but still, there are things and people that I miss before those changes, and you can't help but to think, "What if?"

And that question -- that question leaves you in total darkness, like I had been in my own kitchen. It leaves you in confusion and regret, but more than that, it leaves you in the hunger of thinking something that would never be, because I've learned that there's no turning back in life. That's why every decision must matter. Things, people -- they change. I've been trying to fool myself in thinking that change is just a part of life, and I realised tonight that I can't. I'm still scared of change, of what's it's going to do and when it's going to come. It's natural, right? Like being scared of the dark. Dark, change -- they're not that different.

I can adjust basically to just about everything, but when it comes to changes in people and life, I'm still learning to grasp that. At the moment, I'm scared that I'll wake up tomorrow and everything I've ever known changes. I know there's no way that it would happen. But somehow I've managed to put it in my head that  one single change can change everything.

I hope that there are others out there like me who are scared of change. Ones who neither welcome, challenge, run away from or go with change, but finds it to be so foreign. Ones who are still P-platers in dealing with change, and may not get their license any time soon.

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