Darkness, change and uncertainty

I had just finished watching movie just past midnight, and brought two glasses from the living room for wash. The house was in total darkness. I couldn't see a thing, and as I made my way to the kitchen, I made sure that I wouldn't knock against anything. I knew exactly where the walls were and where everything was. Even so, I couldn't help the feeling inside me that was so eager for the lights to come on. There was this uncertainty that I couldn't make out how it came about, but it's this feeling where you know where exactly all the things are, but you have a feeling that in the dark, it all changes. Like the things have moved.

I know it's a normal human condition to be scared of the dark, and I overcame this a long time ago; being a person who only sleeps a maximum of five hours a day, I often spend my nights in the dark awake. But every now and then, it catches onto me. When the lights are off, the world's foreign and everything seems like it can be changed. And I associate this sort of fear with people. I'm fearful of change. And I'm sure I'm not the only one. I don't think there is a single person in this world who will put their hand up eagerly for change. We all take on change differently. Some welcome change, some challenge change, some run away from change and some just go with change.

Me? I don't know what to make of change yet. Although I haven't had many huge momentous changes in my life, I've gone through enough changes to say that I'm not too fond of change. I've seen people change -- some change for the better, and some don't. Sometimes people leave me feeling a bit betrayed, because they had changed and I had no longer fitted in their life because of that.  I have had changes that changed my life, and probably for the better, but still, there are things and people that I miss before those changes, and you can't help but to think, "What if?"

And that question -- that question leaves you in total darkness, like I had been in my own kitchen. It leaves you in confusion and regret, but more than that, it leaves you in the hunger of thinking something that would never be, because I've learned that there's no turning back in life. That's why every decision must matter. Things, people -- they change. I've been trying to fool myself in thinking that change is just a part of life, and I realised tonight that I can't. I'm still scared of change, of what's it's going to do and when it's going to come. It's natural, right? Like being scared of the dark. Dark, change -- they're not that different.

I can adjust basically to just about everything, but when it comes to changes in people and life, I'm still learning to grasp that. At the moment, I'm scared that I'll wake up tomorrow and everything I've ever known changes. I know there's no way that it would happen. But somehow I've managed to put it in my head that  one single change can change everything.

I hope that there are others out there like me who are scared of change. Ones who neither welcome, challenge, run away from or go with change, but finds it to be so foreign. Ones who are still P-platers in dealing with change, and may not get their license any time soon.

If today was your last day...

If today was my last day on Earth, what would I do? Often I find myself unable to sleep, asking myself questions like that. I could say that I would go all wild and do all the things I've always wanted to do but never did, like going bungee jumping or skydiving. I could get on a plane and go to every possible destination I could make it to. I could eat all the food I want. And I would, if it wasn't my last day.

It's confronting when I think about it and realise how little 24 hours is when coming to the conclusion that there would be many things I'd want to do in those hours. People I want to see. And no matter how much  right I do throughout my life, there would be regrets in those 24 hours without a doubt. However, when you think about it, why does it matter? And as I gather my thoughts, I realise that there are only a few things I would really need to do on my last day on Earth.

I would live the day like it's any other day of the year. I would spend the day with my loved ones -- share my favourite meal with them and doing everyday things like watching the telly and argue over something ridiculously silly. I would pack all my things so that my family wouldn't have go through all the trouble. I would perhaps visit my old primary school and relive the memories. Yes, I can be nostalgic like that. I would  use a time machine and see who Ted's wife really is on How I Met Your Mother, if technology permits. Oh, I'm kidding. No, the most important thing on that day is leaving here knowing that I have lived well. That I have lived a good life surrounded by people I love and proud of where I've reached in the end.

Now, it's getting late so I might try to head to sleep soon.
Do have think about it yourself -- what would you do if today was your last day?

James Blunt - If Time Is All I Have

If time is all I have

I'd waste it all on you

Each day I'll turn it back

It's what the broken-hearted do

I'm tired of talking to an empty space

Of silences keeping me awake

Think before you act

People don't always tell us how they feel. They don't tell us what's on their mind, and what they're going through. However, when they do find the courage to share what's going in their lives or just a shred of what they're going through, I think we all need to be understanding. We need to put ourselves in their shoes, and more than that, we need to listen. Perhaps, before saying something or giving advice, we need to first think about how we would feel if we were in their position.

However, there are times where we simply can't put ourselves into their shoes, and that's when we lend our support. Sometimes give advice isn't going to help. Sometimes lending our support and just being there is what is needed. I'm not saying don't give advice, but just give it at the right time, and really truly think about it before you go through with saying something that would seem silly if you really put yourself into their shoes. I think it's easier to give advice or just blurt out something when we're not actually going through the things that the other person is going through and don't have the full picture of what it's like. We have to take into consideration of their feelings and that they may have a completely different take on things, and probably, chances are, they will.

Sometimes it's comforting to have someone give you advice on what you should do, but sometimes, it hurts when it's advice not thought through at all. Be understanding. Sometimes a hug works better than a million words put together, and sometimes, that's all we mere humans need at our most vulnerable.

One word -- AWESOME.

Directed by: Duncan Jones
Release date: 15 April 2011 (North America)